This is an update to my original post from 2019, Nearly Impossible. Although my episodes of depression still come, I know that God is faithful even in my darkest times, and that only He can make the “impossible” possible.
I had what I consider to be my first serious episode of major depression in college. I was clinically diagnosed with major depressive disorder after a year of postpartum depression in 1993. So I’ve been living with this for a long time. And I’ve learned that although it can be debilitating, it is temporary and I will climb out of the pit in time thanks to the grace of God.
- it’s just a slow sinking feeling like being in quicksand. But there’s nothing I can do to keep from being swallowed whole.
- it’s like falling off a cliff. I’m fine one day, then the next day I drop into the abyss before I realize it, bouncing off boulders on the way down.
- it is relatively mild and cycles through for several weeks.
- it is deep and draining to my core and lasts for months on end.
- there seems to be no reason for it, and sometimes an event, circumstance, or memory can usher in the darkness.
I’m speaking only for myself here.
My depression is…
- The overwhelming blanket of sadness over my entire body that makes it nearly impossible to see anything but darkness.
- The crushing heaviness on my chest that makes it nearly impossible to breathe.
- The unending fatigue and other physical symptoms that make it nearly impossible to rise out of bed each day.
- The isolation that comes because I don’t have the energy to pretend to be okay that makes it nearly impossible to stay connected to friends and community.
- The foggy brain and lack of focus that makes it nearly impossible to accomplish anything productive.
- The overpowering guilt for feeling this way even though things are much better for me than for many others, that makes it nearly impossible to approach friends for help.
- The monumental sense of unworthiness that makes it nearly impossible to approach the throne of God.
As a Christian, I know God is always with me even when I can’t sense His presence. I know He will forgive me for not feeling worthy to commune with Him.
And most importantly, I know what is nearly impossible alone, is possible with God.
If you are battling depression, I encourage you to get in touch with a biblical counselor or a minister at your church. You can also email me directly at [email protected].
Also, be sure to check out the Depression resources on my Resources page.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalms 42:11